35 More Minutes…

That’s how long I have before I leave to see the kids. They are both in a play at school tonight and I asked my ‘x’ if I could come over early to spend some time with them. Things are different lately/now. The ‘x’ wants to keep her distance as she realizes that I am not coming back. She is looking to protect herself and I understand… and feel bad.

What little time I have with the kids is  a bit stressed. Though they have had daily 30 minute time limits on their various Apple devices, I think that’s out the window cause I can’t get them away from them. Its hard to talk to them, its hard to get quality time. I try to get these devices from them without looking like the bad guy… its a skill I am working on. For now I look to distract them with whatever activity I can engage them with.

So I sit here waiting for what is now 30 minutes before I leave. I am stressed out about seeing them. I immediately get stressed when I see a call or text from them.  I am not sure why. I want to see them, they want to see me. My 10 year old is coming over for a slumber party tomorrow night, my younger one wants to stay home with mom. That’s ok, it will get better in time.

Logically I understand. This is still new, they are upset and frustrated that I am not in the house anymore and they want things back to the way they were. Luckily (sarcasm) this is not a logical thing, its emotional. Its gonna take time…. just got to keep my eye on the ball… hopefully time heals.

15 minutes left and I just have to put on a energetic, positive vibe and get going.

Wish me luck. It might be a long night.

It’s a Fight

Maybe it’s not a fight but everyday at home (before I left) was a struggle to be happy instead of depressed.

I was walking in the mall today (so not me) and walked by this couple. As I approached, though I only glanced, I could actually feel the tension. As I got to the closest point as I passed them he lashed out at her. Of course it was something petty to me and even petty to him (im guessing) but the tension and aggrevation is what was all too familiar.

It was, I am happy to say, a reminder of what was… What used to be me. Don’t get me wrong, I almost never yelled and certainly not at my wife or in public but I have a good idea of those feelings.

Leaving my house is a process, ups and down, mostly downs as it relates to my kids and its really hard on many levels. That couple in the mall reminded me about why the process is necessary.

While I wish they didn’t have it, I thank them for the reminder. Life is too short, fight the fights that are worth fighting. When you can’t fix it, despite best efforts… consider real change.

I left May 28th. It’s been just over two months now.