Rough couple of days…
Not sure why but I feel lost and somewhat depressed.
Nothing happened, well nothing in particular.
-I’m going to be 50 in less than a month… could that be it?
-I don’t know what to do with my kids and ‘x’… is that it?
-I have nothing ‘special’ planned for my 50th but went out of my way to make it a non-event because my dad died at 50 shortly after he turned 50. My x-father-in-law died shortly before. I think that was the wrong decision and have nothing special planned… could that be it?
Update… (week of my birthday)
It’s not my own mortality that is bothering me.
I am not sure I care at all about that (which might be troubling in of itself but whatever)
I think it may be because I am not happy where I am with my life.
I have a good job that I enjoy for the most part and I think I am well-respected there (again, for the most part).
That is a HUGE statement for me as I have spent years in underappreciated (and underpaid) roles.
I think it is more about what I have or more importantly, what I don’t.
I am passed the ‘material possessions’ thing, that’s not what I am talking about.
I don’t have many friends, I don’t do much more than work. When I am with the kids its ok but when I am not, I am not really doing anything.
Is it lame that I will spend my 50th birthday day with my sister? I love her to death but isn’t that lame? I have no idea what we will be doing but…