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Its been a year…

Its been just over a year since I left the house.
When making life decisions, do you ask yourself “how will I look back on this decision in a year… in five?”

I asked myself that question in deciding to leave.

Well, I certainly have regrets about the details but overall, I am certainly glad I did it. No, I am not happy that my kids are hurting but I know in the end, it is better for everyone.

A year later and the big house is sold, going to closing soon. The new house for the ex and the girls is in contract and will close soon. My finances after that will improve significantly which represents the last important part of my transformation.

Divorce? Mediation? While certainly on the list to get done, life is better when I can actually afford my life.

I am obsessed with money you see. Not because I am greedy or want material things but because without it, we can’t survive. I can’t work on other things until its done. Its like the ‘security’ aspect of ‘Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs’. Once security is met you can work on other things on the path to ‘full-actualization’ (whatever that really means).

I often think I shouldn’t have worried so much about money. After all, what it really did was create more stress for me and for my ex. I am hoping that it at least reduce the amount of spending. At the end of the day, we had enough equity in the first house to pay off debt and get the new house with a reasonable mortgage. If I didn’t stress about money, would the new house be possible? Who knows.

Anyway… things are slowly getting better and I am hopeful. That in itself is reason to celebrate.

Be well.

You Are NOT Your Job…

Damn… I wish that were true.

Let me back up.
I am (mosty)proud of  what I have done professionally in my career. Back in June I was ‘downsized’ out of my job at a decent sized company. Not for what I had done, it was ‘just an unfortunate circumstance’ as a division I was working on was dissolved. I got a package that enabled me to survive while I got a job.

I certainly went crazy looking for a new gig and found one 10 weeks after. The only problem is that it was certainly a step or two lower than what I was doing. The interesting part is that it is essentially the same money (which is why I took it).

I figured that I would work my ass off and impress people in getting things done and I would quickly get promoted… Good idea? maybe in theory.

My new employer moves painfully slow. I am not even sure they are moving forward. Do you remember that scene from Risky Business when Tom Cruise is stilling in his high school classroom waiting for it to end and the second hand on the clock actually moved backwards? That’s how it seems sometimes.

The problem is that I keep getting assigned these crazy archaic spreadsheets to ‘update’ that not only will never be really looked at but can be easily obtained though the web tools we pay for. In addition, as I have suggestions on how to improve things that are ‘industry best practices’ or I find things that prove one of our agencies are ripping us off, nothing happens.

These things destroy me… apparently. I am so incapacitated sometimes I can’t focus. I have to walk away (as proof, I am writing this post on my lunch break because I just can’t deal).

But your not supposed to be your job? I LOVE what I do… Im a 24/7 guy and I don’t call it work (most of the time). The problem is that I am undervalued and when I try to show my value I get shot down. When I try to bring value, its ignored.

I need to be valued… thats for me.

I need to be valued… because I also need to get promoted and make more money… thats for myself and my kids

I should just disconnect. Do what I am told and get paid while looking for something else. Like someone told me… do your job and keep your head down.

I do it well sometimes but sometimes, like right now? I really just want to walk.
I can’t. I won’t. It just really sucks.

I feel like shit doing these meaningless tasks assigned by my bosses boss who has no idea what ‘digital’ is and has no interest in doing things different in order to be better. He is just content with doing things they way they did it last year. Does that work for anyone?

I am not my work… I am not my job. I gotta keep saying some sort of stupid mantra like that so I stay sane. We both know that is not going to work.

I gotta focus on doing my job, looking for something better, and consulting in the meantime. Know anyone that needs a ‘experienced results driven digital marketer’? lol.

Time to go… gotta go update my resume. 🙂

4-4-14-Update… For the most part, I am numb to the BS that happens at work. I’m still looking for a new opportunity and actually have 2 phone interviews next week. The real question is, this keeps happening to me or at least it seems that way. Is it me? Is it the type of work environment I choose? Maybe corporate america is not what I need? Maybe I always end up being the ‘agent of change’ and maybe I just need to be with people with a similar skill set so I can stop fighting and get to the next level instead…. if I am not too late.



It’s not an illusion…

I have a marriage therapist. I see him once a week. He tells me I’m challenging, in a good way somehow.

I perceverate on the fact that paying the bills is my responsibility. I also need to advance at work to make more money. Ultimately most of who I am are tied to my job and my financial responsibilities

He thinks I need to look at it differently. While I understand why, I don’t get how that is going to change reality. I need to pay the bills. I need to make more money. How does my perspective change that?

If my kids can’t eat… If I can’t pay the mortgage… Am I supposed to blow that off? How is that acceptable?

Shit, gotta go… Gotta work