Don’t Know…

Rough day…
Rough couple of days…
Not sure why but I feel lost and somewhat depressed.
Nothing happened, well nothing in particular.

-I’m going to be 50 in less than a month… could that be it?

-I don’t know what to do with my kids and ‘x’… is that it?

-I have nothing ‘special’ planned for my 50th but went out of my way to make it a non-event because my dad died at 50 shortly after he turned 50. My x-father-in-law died shortly before. I think that was the wrong decision and have nothing special planned… could that be it?

Don’t know…
Update… (week of my birthday)
It’s not my own mortality that is bothering me.
I am not sure I care at all about that (which might be troubling in of itself but whatever)
I think it may be because I am not happy where I am with my life.

I have a good job that I enjoy for the most part and I think I am well-respected there (again, for the most part).
That is a HUGE statement for me as I have spent years in underappreciated (and underpaid) roles.

I think it is more about what I have or more importantly, what I don’t.
I am passed the ‘material possessions’ thing, that’s not what I am talking about.
I don’t have many friends, I don’t do much more than work. When I am with the kids its ok but when I am not, I am not really doing anything.
Is it lame that I will spend my 50th birthday day with my sister? I love her to death but isn’t that lame? I have no idea what we will be doing but…

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